Tu as ecrit 580 mots avec une vraie voix d'auteur et une histoire personnelle puissante. Voici ton travail debriefe ligne par ligne, avec une version corrigee qui garde TES idees mais avec une langue propre. Tu as deja la matiere — il manque juste le polissage.
Ce que l'IB te demandait de faire.
« You have recently read a report on the impact of being online for many hours a day. This made you consider your relationship with the internet. Write a text in which you reflect on the reasons you are drawn to go online, evaluate what effect this has on different aspects of your life, and explore how you can keep a balance between the virtual and real worlds. »
Estimation honnete sur la base des criteres IB English B SL.
Tes idees, ta langue. Lis ca comme un blog que tu aurais lu sur le web. C'est ce qui aurait pu etre rendu.
Hello everyone, and welcome to new readers. Today I want to share something I've never really put into words before.
I recently read a report on the impact of being online for many hours a day. Reading it forced me to take a long, honest look at the place the internet has in my life. Some of it was hard to admit. So here it is — my story, the things I've learned, and one piece of advice at the end for anyone going through the same thing.
I first went online at the beginning of my teenage years. All my friends were creating accounts to share their daily routines, posting pictures, showing off their personal activities. I wanted in. I wanted to follow them, see what they were doing, feel part of the group. I also installed messaging apps because it was easier to stay in touch with my friends and family.
For a while, it felt fine. Until it wasn't.
After several years, I started noticing the darker side of the internet — and the dangers of being online.
First, there's the issue of personal information. Nothing is ever 100% secure. Then there's the traceability of what you do online and who you are. The truth is: a single picture or comment can spark a controversy, and personal images can be shared in ways that hurt people deeply. On top of that, many people create fake accounts to become completely anonymous, so they can post their opinions without any real judgement, because nobody knows who's behind the screen.
For me, "online" mostly means social media — TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat. Apps that make you addicted, because the algorithm only shows you what you want to see. If you like cars, you'll get more cars. Studies show there's a complex psychological design behind these platforms, built to create an atmosphere where you never want to leave. They also show you the dream life of others — a life you don't have. The virtual world is built to make you dream, and people make profit from your addiction.
I had a period when I spent ten hours a day on my phone. I wanted to escape reality — my reality. Then one day, I looked around me, and nothing had moved. Nothing.
I had wasted a whole month doing nothing. So I decided to start looking for work, and I found a job in a restaurant.
Today, I still go online, but I'm much more careful about how long I stay there. I never want to feel again the disgust I felt the day I realised how much time I had lost. Now I can finally share moments with my friends and my family without that reflex of checking my phone every time I get a notification.
I know this might sound silly, but inside me there's a real fight between myself and online addiction. I hope my story helps you, and that you'll know you're not the only one.
My one piece of advice: talk to people who can help you. Trust me — in the end, the only real battle is between you and you.
Thanks for reading.
Les memes idees mais reformulees avec une langue solide.
| ❌ Ce que tu as ecrit | ✓ Ce qu'il fallait ecrire | |
|---|---|---|
| "during many hours" | → | "for many hours" (during = pendant un evenement) |
| "I took a long reflexion" | → | "I took a long, honest look" |
| "the place that internet can have in my life" | → | "the place the internet has in my life" |
| "all my friends create online account" | → | "all my friends were creating accounts" |
| "it was more easier" | → | "it was easier" (jamais de double comparatif) |
| "to be aware about" | → | "to be aware of" |
| "the dangerous thing to be online" | → | "the dangers of being online" |
| "information that are never in 100% security" | → | "information is never 100% secure" |
| "create a polemic" | → | "spark a controversy" |
| "to make some one suffer" | → | "in ways that hurt people deeply" |
| "perfectly anonym" | → | "completely anonymous" |
| "without any real jugement" | → | "without any real judgement" |
| "nobody knows who are behind" | → | "nobody knows who's behind the screen" |
| "this type of application such you become addict" | → | "apps that make you addicted" |
| "more tiktoks about car" | → | "more TikToks about cars" (pluriel) |
| "a complex scientifical psychology work" | → | "a complex psychological design" |
| "make profit on your addiction" | → | "make profit from your addiction" |
| "to share moment and create memories" | → | "to share moments and create memories" |
| "during 10 hours per days" | → | "for 10 hours a day" |
| "I saw around me" | → | "I looked around me" |
| "I missed 1 month of my life by making nothing" | → | "I had wasted a whole month doing nothing" |
| "the disgust that I got" | → | "the disgust I felt" |
| "having the reflex to see my phone" | → | "that reflex of checking my phone" |
| "this is a bit dumb but behind me there is..." | → | "this might sound silly, but inside me..." |
| "this vision of the thing to be online" | → | "my story" / "my experience" |
| "a work between you and YOU" | → | "the only real battle is between you and you" |
| "Thank to you for the reading" | → | "Thanks for reading" |
Ce que ton blog avait, et ce qui manquait pour gagner les 2 points qui restent.
Si tu retiens ces 5 reflexes, tu gagnes 2 points sur le critere A.
« Tu avais l'histoire. Tu avais la pensee. C'est juste la langue qui t'a coute des points. »